229 | Stop Chasing, Start Owning: How to Embrace Your Worth and Confidence with Nellie Harden

Stop chasing external validation and start owning your self-worth by learning practical strategies for building self-esteem, setting boundaries, and prioritizing yourself without guilt.  In this episode of the Moms Without Capes Podcast, I sit down with family life and leadership coach Nellie Harden. If you’ve lost your sense of self within motherhood, this conversation will help you rediscover who you are beyond your roles as mom and caretaker. Tune in to learn how reclaiming your worth can empower you to show up confidently for both yourself and your family.

To learn more about Nellie Harden, visit https://www.nellieharden.com/ or follow her on social:

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellie.a.harden/

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

YouTube- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyM0VCZ7PmOi0JVQCnTEFcQ

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Are you exhausted from constantly seeking approval feeling like no matter how much you do, it's just never enough. Maybe it feels like you're running on a treadmill, giving, sacrificing, and showing up for everyone else. But never quite arriving in a place where you feel fulfilled and seen. Do you wonder who you are beyond your role of mom, wife, or caregiver? Have you ever caught yourself thinking, when will it be my Turner? 

Who am I. What if the key to reclaiming yourself isn't in doing more or trying harder, but in learning to own your worth, instead of chasing it. Knowing that you are already enough just as you are. What would it feel like to step off the treadmill of external validation and finally prioritize yourself? Guilt free. Welcome to moms without capes. The podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie Michalsky

and my goal is to help you [00:01:00] prioritize your needs. And carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. And for years, I was buried under piles of dishes and endless loads of laundry. Constantly putting my family's needs above my own. I felt overwhelmed. Totally exhausted. 

And I felt completely invisible. It seemed impossible to carve out time for anything that didn't directly revolve around my family. But all of that changed. When I finally decided to move myself up on my own to-do list. I started prioritizing things that brought me joy and fulfillment. Allowing me to reclaim my sense of worth and take ownership of my life instead of feeling like I was constantly just managing things for everyone else. As a mom of six, I know firsthand the struggle to juggle it all. But through years of learning, growing, and finally [00:02:00] shedding the supermom identity, I've discovered how to live in alignment with my needs, without feeling guilty about it. And now I'm here to help you do the same. You don't have to lose yourself in motherhood. Together, we can hang up the supermom Cape. And embrace a more balanced, joyful life. This is mom's without capes. At the end of today's episode, I'll share how you can get even more value from the moms without capes podcast. So that you are armed with the mindset and action steps. To make the journey back to yourself, even easier. But before we do that. Let's chat with Nellie harden. Family life and leadership, coach mama four and former worth chaser. To explore how you can stop sacrificing yourself for others and finally prioritize yourself. 

Guilt-free. If you're ready to ditch the endless chase for validation. [00:03:00] And rediscover the woman that you are meant to be. Then this conversation is for you. Without further ado, let's dive in. 

Nellie, you talk a lot about building a foundation of worth esteem and confidence for women. Can you share what that foundation looks like in real practical terms? 

Yeah, so I am a visual person. Absolutely. So if you just think about it like a three tier cake, if you will, or a three tier platform foundation, that bottom foundation there is going to be your worth. The next one up is going to be your confidence with the precipice on top of that, being the, self discipline leader of your life.

And that's where we want to be growing toward. down in the worth, layer, it's set up that way because you cannot have esteem, which is value and appreciation for self and truly learning how to trust yourself. You can not have that without knowing that you are worthy of it. Of [00:04:00] having that, right?

So that's why it's set up in this way and then confidence and true belief in self, you absolutely cannot have that unless you know your worth, which leads into valuing and appreciating yourself, trusting yourself, and then believing in yourself. So it really is this very profound, substantial, foundation that you can build for yourself along the way.

That makes sense. Like we hear a lot about self worth and self confidence and self image and self esteem And they all so confusing in and of themselves, which is why. I do the work I do too, I've read so many books out there and done so much about, oh you need to have self worth or it's assumed that you already have self worth and self esteem are used for the same idea, but they are different 

I was sick and tired of people telling me, Oh, your self worth, you need to have self worth. How do I build this darn thing? I like, that's great that I have it, my room is empty. How do I actually build [00:05:00] something in there? What do I actually Tangibly do to build that and, stop assuming that I already have it or stop assuming that, I don't have it and I'll never have it.

It was just a lot of this and every woman is so different that how you build that is going to be unique to you and to me and to everyone else as well. But there's a general, formula blueprint, if you will, on how you can do that as well. 

you've described yourself as a former worth chaser, right? How did that journey unfold? And what pivotal moment made you realize that you were chasing worth rather than just owning it? That was a long process but, growing up and I had a pretty. I had a good childhood, but it was just, it was very busy and volatile. And my dad died when I was super young. Mom got remarried about seven years later. My brother and sister came into the picture. We moved a few times and there was just a lot going on.

So when I left home at 17, I graduated [00:06:00] early and left home. I would not have been able to tell you at all, especially, I was an eighties and nineties kid, right? And we were just all on this conveyor belt of life. it was like just punctuated by those yearly wonderful 

school book pictures, and it's Oh, another year. And then there's just a drop off at the end that says you're 18. Good luck. Here you go. And so I was going through those things, but I didn't really have the foundation within myself to hold myself up.

by the time I left home and when I did, I went seven hours away from home and here I am dropped off in this very foreign place. And I had no that I knew there and I was randomly, chosen to room with this. Seemingly very confident young woman from Florida that seemed to know everything about everything.

So I was like she knows, I guess this is what we do now. And she was a party girl and I did not know that life at all, but I soon found out very [00:07:00] quickly because she was dragging me everywhere. When I look back to even my high school and especially in that first part of college, I was just, if it was a relationship that I was chasing, if it was, an accolade of some kind, an award of some kind, anything that was, a grade, anything that was come over here and you'll be worthy, come over here and you'll be worthy, come over here and you'll be worthy.

And then I was just chasing it everywhere, which was exhausting. And as many, positive avenues as there can be for that, there's just as many, if not more negative avenues for that. And I also went down some of those because you're blinded by what is good or bad when you're just chasing worth.

some of those avenues were dark and dangerous and led to some severe traumas in my own life that then have taken me down. Decades to, first realize and start dealing with that pain and then start getting into a healing [00:08:00] process. And so I probably knew within, five to 10 years of that time that.

I am chasing worth and I was chasing worth, really hardcore in that time, but it took me much longer to realize, okay, I don't want to do that. How can I know my worth instead of chasing it out in the world? And. Gosh, that's such a gradual, personal process that happens that I can't put a, a finger on it, except for to say that my husband was sick, we almost lost him, when my girls were little, I have four daughters and right now they're all between the ages of 15 and 19.

When they were all four, I have twins in the middle. So four, two, two, and newborn we almost lost my husband and there was this point of here I am, this young woman who is very much in her own healing process, [00:09:00] not really even quite admitting that yet. That I needed to be, or was, but I was looking back and now I'm given four daughters that I had in four years, which was huge 

absolutely. And we're almost losing my husband, which is a replay of my own story. And I look at them and I just saw the vast potential. Of the next 6, 570 days, which is how many days are in 18 years. And so through them, I was able to see myself a little bit more clearly and see the building of knowing worth instead of the chasing and hopefully grasping some of it that the world will give you.



Absolutely. And I think many of us going back to you chasing the worth, do feel that once they achieve a certain thing, or once they earn certain accolades, or find success, however, that's [00:10:00] defined, then they will be worthy.

And see that isn't going to earn your you don't need to earn your worth that you can own it. I think there's so many women that struggle with that and it does keep us in that cycle of exhaustion. Because you're always chasing it. You're always looking for that pie in the sky thing that is going to give you your worth instead of just recognizing that you already own it.

You are worthy in and of yourself. And it doesn't mean that you need to chase it or find it or achieve it.

One of the books I've read in the past was, Steve jobs, huge, very thick. It took me a long time to get through it's knowing stories like that. And so many others that, they have everything and, people adore them and they get up on the big stages and they do all of this stuff.

But at the end of the day, they don't know their worth. Still right there, just keep [00:11:00] chasing and it's exhausting. And it can kill them spiritually, mentally, physically even. And so I think the more stories we can know about that, the more cautionary tales we can start to, direct our heading, if you will, toward what is true instead of what the world tries to tell us and it's falsehood.

Yeah, absolutely. So lots of moms lose their sense of self because they feel like they have to put everyone else's needs first. And so how do you guide women to start prioritizing their own needs without guilt?

Yeah, so I really look at a family as a team, the parents are the leaders, the family is a team. And it does not have to be an either or situation. It doesn't have to be. I am either pouring myself out to them and getting nothing, or I am taking time away from this and it's all about me.

They can be married together in this. And one of. The best ways I can see doing [00:12:00] this is teaching your children to see you, not just as mom, but also as a woman needs,

as human.

Yeah. Absolutely. And one of the things I recommend for families is to have one on one time every single week, parent and child.

Like I said, I have four daughters. So we do this on Mondays and Thursday nights. it's either with mom or dad and we do two on Monday, two on Thursday. within that time you are talking to them about them what's going on in your life. You're getting to know them because everyone that has raised a child knows that how they were last Tuesday is different than they are today.

And so it's. Absolutely vital that you get to know them consistently and constantly, especially throughout adolescence. But the other flip side of that, which feeds into them so well, but also helps them see you as a human, as a woman that's going through this is asking them to speak into your life as well.

And that could look like, [00:13:00] On the level that they're at, by the way, it's much different if you're talking to a seven year old versus a 17 year old. But, maybe they're having some, friend issue or whatever. And without saying, Oh, me too. And all of this, you can just bring up, I was at, I don't know, church school, whatever, work the other day or volunteering.

And I walked in and nobody said hello to me. And it just felt really. Lonely. And I didn't want to say anything, but I don't know, what do you think I should do next time I go in? That right there, that very simple act of just asking them, it opens up the door to what they have to say and what they think is worthy 

Because they're like, wow, she wants my opinion on this. Like my words matter to her and my thoughts matter to her. So there's that piece of it, but also they see you as not only this, I'm sitting up on, on the throne and I am mom and I will tell you what to do. Or this [00:14:00] Cinderella figure that is in their life that is, going around and picking up their every need everywhere.

But they See you as a person and a human that has a lot of the same vulnerabilities that they do. And you're conferencing about that. And so I think that's one of the most powerful things you can do and a great way to marry these things together.

And it's okay to. Let your kids know if they hurt your feelings too, or if they were unkind, because you don't want them going out into the world unkind. And so when they're at home, and I say this, I just had this happen with one of my daughters a couple of days ago, and, we just went on a walk and we sat down by the water and we talked, I was like, the way that you say things sometimes is not okay.

And it makes me feel this way. And my job is to love and lead you to a place you love and lead yourself and that you can function out in the world. And that is not in line with, the objective here. So yeah, they [00:15:00] definitely can, But there's going to be times that like for me, I get up in the morning, I'm by myself, I need that space and that time where no one is, Hey mom, I need this.

Let me tell you, being in a household of four young women, it is a constant. They're like a rotating door. And when I bring it up, they're like I didn't ask you something for a few hours. I was like, yes, but your sister's filled the gap. 

Make sure you plan for success in that way and give yourself what you need in order for that success to happen.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. You said so many amazing things in that Nellie. Like I, had been doing one on one like mom dates with kids and it gets to Where we don't do it. Like where I'm like, okay, we're going to do this. I'll put it on the calendar and 

we'll do it. And then very inconsistent. And then I'm like, I just don't do it. And so every once in a while, I'm like, okay, we're going to do it again. We're going to reincorporate mom dates. And so just. Continuing to come back to that [00:16:00] importance of having that one on one time and being able to get to know our kids.

But like you said, let them know that we're human too, because there has been there was so many years that I felt like the enforcer. I felt like I had to be the one to put on that mask and be the mom We hear so many things like you can't be your kid's friends and you can't do this.

But that's different than just being there for your kids and getting to know them and letting them get to know you rather than as the Cinderella type or as the person who, makes the rules

rather than showing up as your authentic self and letting them see that you are human too.

your passions and keep pursuing those, right? It's very important to pursuing those in a healthy way, but also incorporating them into it. I used to go to, conferences all the time. Pre pandemic and, [00:17:00] for myself and now I go to some, to speak and things like that, but, before then they would all come right.

And then we would have these rich, amazing conversations about the speakers that were up there and they knew what my passions were. They knew what my purpose outside of, being a hopeful, excellent mom to them. Was, but also when I failed out loud, for them so that they saw what that looks like.

They were there when they saw, the downsides and things. it was so good for them to see that. Cause they're going to face those things too. And for them to be able to come in and comfort come alongside me during those things. Even if it was, a mom's grew up, I had, a mom.

I'm so sorry. I was short this morning because I had all of these things going on, but it's not an excuse for that. I should not have done that. And showing I'm human. I mess up too. And, but I'm also still the authority.

Yeah. and there's so many, myself included so many moms that [00:18:00] have stopped doing the things that they enjoy in the pursuit of being like that good mom. I have moms. As clients are like, I don't even know what it is that I like to do because it's been so long.

Whereas they used to like painting and doing photography and doing some creative outlets and they've put them on the shelves because they didn't realize that they were worthy of having their own pursuits and interests and all of those things. And what you just shared is building that foundation, that worth and esteem and confidence.

By doing those things.

absolutely.

Your work focuses on helping women and families build leadership and emotional resilience. How can mothers model these qualities for their children while they are still working on them within themselves?

Yeah. and it really comes down to, there's four tools that you need in order to build this foundation. It is vision, discipline, [00:19:00] vulnerability, and resilience. And so I was one of those that had to build my foundation, which is much harder to do as an adult than it is a child because we have a much less flexible brain than they do.

And some of those neural pathways are set in ruts, like a tire on a muddy day. But it is not impossible. And if you want to set yourself up for success and build this foundation for yourself, it is not impossible and completely doable.

It just isn't necessarily going to be as easy as when we were 15 or 16 years old, so true. But it is doable. When you think about that, you need to just look at vision. What do you want? You're talking about women that maybe used to like photography or painting or things like that.

And they don't know if they like that anymore. That's okay. Try it out and see if it's still a passion and just explore. But I think journaling is so important for vision work, [00:20:00] especially also cathartic, brain dumping work and getting everything out there. But have the vision, where do I want to go sometimes even giving yourself permission to ask that question?

Is step one and a profound step one at that. So asking yourself, where do I want to go? What do I like? It might not be something specific like photography or painting, but I like to create, okay, we'll list all the ways that you have created or that might intrigue you to create today. Some ways to create didn't even exist when we were, younger.

And list out brainstorm your passions that you have, but have the vision to move forward, right? You go where you are looking. So don't be looking back and just at your side all the time, look forward into where you want to go. And then there's the discipline piece because. You can very easily write down or think about, Oh, this is where I want to go.

And then it doesn't [00:21:00] happen, right? You have to have the discipline to do what you say you're going to do. And, trekking back just for a second, because you mentioned with the one on one times with your kids, we did also try to have a go out time with our kids, and that was so much harder. Fall by the wayside for and P. S. It got really expensive as well. 

Yeah. And I'm constantly scouring like Facebook events what are we going to again? There was a lot of pressure and I would put it back on them. Like the teenagers can you find something like that you want to do? a lot of 

it is a lot of

fell by the wayside.

And so what we do is we just go up in their rooms and that has worked so much better. And it's also a beautiful thing to go into their space. And I have to turn off my. Mom brain of why does your room look like a disaster when I told you it up four hours ago, but yeah, not what about [00:22:00] exactly.

And it's almost time for one on one time. And then all of a sudden you hear. Boop. As they're running up the stairs, mom, give me five minutes, get everything up but anyway, so yeah, do it, making it as simple for success as possible is definitely the way you want to go.

So getting back to those four tools though. So we have vision, We have discipline, and then there's that key, that vulnerability piece right there. And if you are a person like I was, that is building this foundation alongside of in yourself, alongside being the architect of building it for one of your children.

And we're planning, designing, and building the beginning of someone else's life as a parent. That's a really big deal. you are building it for yourself, but also being the architect for somebody else. That vulnerability piece has to come in and this can happen at any time. And I've even seen, grown women talking to their elderly parents about this, like I want to be here.

I want to build our relationship, but [00:23:00] listen, I need to. I need to do this and I have weaknesses here. Do you think you could help me along with this? And again, bringing that team atmosphere into your family is so powerful. So for me, I tend to have a problem with feeling ignored a lot of times.

Like I was never the popular kid, I was never the one that goes in and, people pay attention to or anything like that, which puts my work at this very vulnerable state, which makes sense. I, am a Christian. I was like, of course you would put me here, like in my most vulnerable state.

And, then I need to speak to crowds. That's awesome. Thank you. And it has grown me exponentially, with my kids, if they interrupt, which kids tend to do all the time, I will just stop kindly, not, sarcastically or not out of frustration, I'll just stop and they'll be like, Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Interrupting is not nice to do anyway to anybody, but, it is one of the disruptors of [00:24:00] communication, but they know because I've told them, it's hurtful if I'm saying something and somebody cuts me off because it makes me feel like my words don't matter. Now I know my worth deeper than that now.

I did not before, years ago, and I know my worth deeper now, which is why I can be so calm and wait for them to finish or realize, but I've been able to be vulnerable and let them know that is the case in my past. And so that's just a very small example of a way to be vulnerable with them about what's going on with you.

Sure. So what is the fourth?

And then the fourth. Yes. resilience. And that really comes with again, building that trust, but you want to set yourself up for success. I teach on something called an EMP. You want your EMP, for yourself personally, and everyone is going to have a different one.

And that is, Emotional, mental, and physical tool, and also spiritual as well. So EMPs, you want to build it for yourself. if [00:25:00] you have the vision to say, I want my marriage to be healthy, right? Okay. So what does that look like for you and your spouse to have a healthy marriage? You want them to be tangible things.

We're going to go on two dates a week. going to get out of town, twice a year and we are going to, pray together. We're going to, sit down and have a regroup time at five o'clock every day in order to, check in on one another and see how one another's day is.

you want them to be tangible things that get you to the goals that you have in life. And those are your EMPs, your emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, success path that you can have. In fact, all six of us redo this every single year. We sit down, we share them with one another so we can hold one another accountable.

And it's just a great way to make sure that you're. Actually on the path to doing what it is that you want to do. but that's that resilience piece, right? You're setting up a path of [00:26:00] success for yourself. You might fall by the wayside and that's okay because you have a plan in order to get back on.

So my EMP plan is actually right behind my screen right here and I can see it right here. when I'm feeling like I have some distance from the kids or I don't feel like my work is going the way I need to. Oh, wait, I know exactly what I need to do because I already planned for this and you can get back on there.

And that creates this beautiful resilience.

So if a mom listening today feels like she's lost her sense of worth or that she's still chasing it and doesn't even know where to begin, what is the very first step that you recommend she take?

So there's five pillars of worth, and that is to be seen and heard, loved, belong, and have a purpose. And so your very first step that I would really encourage you to do is to sit down with a piece of paper, your journal, what have you, and say, when was the last time that I truly felt [00:27:00] seen? It might be last week.

It could be 15 years ago. go into that space for you. When was the last time I truly felt seen? When was the last time I truly felt heard? I truly felt loved. I felt like I belonged and I truly had a purpose. dive into those experiences that you have and say, what was going on during that time?

How did it make me feel? Where did it come from? And then you can dive into that space and grow it out from there and really start to know, you know what? I really felt seen when I was talking to the kids one day and one of them just came up to me and gave me a hug and said, I love you mom.

And maybe that was 15 years ago or what have but why was it right? It was because someone recognized you, someone saw you, they weren't looking at a screen, they were looking up, they actually saw you right there, and just appreciated, gave you a moment of appreciation during [00:28:00] that time.

Okay, if that is how I feel seen, then how can we in our household establish some kind of relationship? Some habits, right? Maybe there's no screens between six and 9 PM, right? Maybe it is some appreciation and maybe you can write notes to one another, right?

One of the biggest things I ask for is change in me what I want to see in them. And so if I feel. More seen when I'm appreciated or someone's looking up, then I need to make sure that I am looking up. I need to make sure that I am appreciating others too. And so it's really important to. Dive into those experiences.

When did I feel seen, heard, loved, belong and have purpose and just play in there and see what was going on and then elaborate on those.

Yeah. That's great advice. And I like this. I didn't realize like the five pillars of worth. was interesting.

it really, that is how it's always been [00:29:00] and how it is and how it always will be. And where did those come from? It's from ancient times, all the way back there, but also look at the opposite of each one of those things. And that is what moms today can feel like. I feel like no one sees me.

I feel like no one listens to me. I feel loved. I do not feel like I belong. I'm just wandering around doing chores all day and being underappreciated. And I don't seem to have a purpose. Other than told of making sure that these kids are alive by the time they reach their 18th birthday.

Yeah.

And yeah, diving, those are what you hear. And that is another reason why those pillars are so vital in order to get proactive instead of reactive.

Yeah. And once we sit down and like journal about that and really dive into like, when was that last time? You can birth a vision and those goals and all of those stem from let's look at where you are right [00:30:00] now and you would like to be. All right. So we're going to switch over a little bit and I'd love to hear what you do for fun, Nellie. Cause moms can have fun too.

Absolutely. Honestly, I love to just be outside. If I go for a bike ride, I go for a walk. We live right on the water on the east coast of the United States. So I, take a walk down by the water. And I just love to be outside. Give me a hike any day. And I'm good to go. That's how I find my joy how I ground myself.

It's how I realign myself. It's everything to just be outside.

Do you have a book that you recommend on the subject of worth or that you have enjoyed that you feel other moms would enjoy as well?

Yeah. So I will admit I am an avid reader, but most of it stems around, building worth in, our younger generations, right now, just in the season that I'm in. Honestly, [00:31:00] anything by Brene Brown, I love Brene Brown. I have worked with Brene Brown, her, book, brave leaders.

So good. and it really just all centers around that vulnerability piece because we as women, as moms, especially growing up in the eras that we did. We were not taught vulnerability as a tool for success ever. It was more like pull yourself up by your bootstraps, type thing.

You want something done, do it yourself, right? All of these type of mentalities, but vulnerability can absolutely be used as a tool for success. so anything by Brene Brown, especially Brave Leaders, I would recommend.

Okay. And then where can listeners find you?

I like to keep it simple. So everything can be found on my website, Nellie Harden. com. There's downloads. You can connect with me every week. There is masterclasses, and articles, all that is on there.

All [00:32:00] right. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast today.

Oh, thank you so much for having me. 

Hey there. Mama are. Are you loving the insights from amazing guests, like Nelly on the moms without Capes podcast? If so, I need your help to keep the goodness coming. Your reviews are the secret sauce that helps us bring on even more incredible guests. The more positive reviews we get, the better the guests and the better the guests, the more powerful tools and tips. You'll have for reclaiming your identity beyond motherhood. It's super easy to leave a review, just head on over to apple or Spotify, click those stars. Scroll down to the review section and share your thoughts. Every single review means so much and helps other moms, like you find the show. Oh, and one more thing. Make sure that you're following moms without capes so that you never miss an episode. There's so much more goodness coming your way. 

And I just don't want you to [00:33:00] miss out. Thanks for listening to this episode of moms without capes. As you learned from tuning in, I key to reclaiming your sense of self is to stop chasing external validation and start owning your inherent worth so that you can prioritize yourself without guilt and rediscover who you are beyond motherhood. You are 100% responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you feel.

Stop living on autopilot, slow down, check in with yourself and please above all take care of yourself. Because you, my friend are worth it.